jenn

Some days I think I'm getting it together, that it's going to be alright. The rest of the days, though, are consumed by a crushing loneliness that I can't seem to shake until I'm on my fourth beer and the bar is so loud I can't hear my own thoughts. I see friendships being formed around me-- quite literally around me, as if I were a talking piece of furniture to navigate past-- and I'm left wondering what about me is broken so that I can't make these connections.

I had a nice idea of my life here, one that wooed me to stay, of you and me and a cute little apartment and my funny little cat and a good group of friends and a good job and adventures to go on and picnics in the park. Life and love and friends and family. But now-- always-- I'm watching it slip through my fingers, and the crushing loneliness creeps back in, and I just wonder how long I should keep pretending.

I made a comment recently that this might be the first time in 10 years that I've completely moved into somewhere I was living. No half-unpacked boxes lurking here and there; things are put away on shelves and in drawers; furniture is actually arranged and not just placed. For 10 years my life was being poised to move again, soon.

A decision was made to stay here, for an indefinite period of time, and I unpacked all of my boxes. But as I look around my apartment, I realize that things are only "put away" in the sense that they are just put somewhere. Things went on shelves and in drawers without any thought or deeper understanding as to why.

I'm playing house in my own house. I'm making the motions of a life by mimicking what I've seen through the windows.

It's fucking depressing.

Feeling the weight of decisions recently made. Made for, I hope, the right reasons, but I'm not sure what the right reasons are anymore. We both seem to have, if not the whole foot, at least a toe or two out the door. I'm in a place to jump into something with both feet, finally-- and I want to-- but I'm shown a mirror and I remember how I felt, and what I said, and how those two things never quite lined up. It's like I'm being punished for being me. Or having been, at least.

Regardless of all that, I need to build a life that's mine, not built around someone else's, or this will crumble as well.

more little pieces i'll never get back. bigger pieces this time, though. gutted.

staring at my phone, staring at my beer, staring at this blinking cursor.

This feels like slow heartbreak with little bits of completely amazing mixed in. Is it enough?

I understand that shying away from things because of the fear of pain, the possibility, is silly and leads to a sterile life, but what about the certainty of it? Weighing the pros and cons has so much more...weight to it. My heart is on both sides of the scale.

I'm definitely not staying, but I like where I am, and I like it for now. I think this is the place I was looking for the past three years.

"Day after"s like these usually leave me with a head that's cloudy and full of worry and regrets. My stomach will twist itself into a ball of stress and anxiety and everything swirling around in my bruised mind. I will be broken, and I'll scramble for what's familiar and comforting-- but that will only dig me in deeper. It will never fit the same way.

Today? My head is still cloudy, but it's a comfortable fog. The anxiety is bittersweet anticipation. There are still regrets, though. There are always regrets.

I think these strange days will work themselves out. Picking the pieces up; they will never fit back together the same way. I'm going to make something new.

this has been the best year, hands down:

1) break off a three-year-long relationship
2) turn 30
3) lose a good friend*
4) car gets booted

the month's not even over yet.

(1 has eaten my entire brain, 2 couldn't be helped, 3 was indirectly caused by 1's brain-eating, and 4... well, that's my own damned fault.)

once, everything was ok, wasn't it? or is the only thing that changes is whether or not i'm paying attention?

* - i should clarify that friend did not pass away like this might sound. just pushed out into limbo and probably will never return to "good friend" status again.

saturday night. this is my birthday party. there are 500 people here, dancing and drinking and having a great time.

i feel completely alone.

i am a CRANKY BASTARD lately. i don't want to talk to anyone. i am snippy and short and annoyed at you if you try. actually, that's not entirely true; the only people i want to talk to are jon and ____, and unfortunately i think ____ has fucked off (which is not helping a damned thing, really.) everyone else can go fuck off themselves; i just want to sort things out in my head which is also terrible because it leaves me too much time to think. and so i think and mull and stew and ponder and stress and fester and generally be a mess. and a CRANKY BASTARD. can't forget that. i can't be given time to think.

so i go out and drink and socialize and pass out and wake up and go to work and go back out and drink and i haven't done laundry in over a month and oh shit i need to buy cat food.