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whoa!
starting over
jenn
hey guys. is anyone actually here still? i kind of miss livejournal.

I know that starting over is not what life's about.
starting over
jenn
Some days I think I'm getting it together, that it's going to be alright. The rest of the days, though, are consumed by a crushing loneliness that I can't seem to shake until I'm on my fourth beer and the bar is so loud I can't hear my own thoughts. I see friendships being formed around me-- quite literally around me, as if I were a talking piece of furniture to navigate past-- and I'm left wondering what about me is broken so that I can't make these connections.

I had a nice idea of my life here, one that wooed me to stay, of you and me and a cute little apartment and my funny little cat and a good group of friends and a good job and adventures to go on and picnics in the park. Life and love and friends and family. But now-- always-- I'm watching it slip through my fingers, and the crushing loneliness creeps back in, and I just wonder how long I should keep pretending.

(no subject)
starting over
jenn
I made a comment recently that this might be the first time in 10 years that I've completely moved into somewhere I was living. No half-unpacked boxes lurking here and there; things are put away on shelves and in drawers; furniture is actually arranged and not just placed. For 10 years my life was being poised to move again, soon.

A decision was made to stay here, for an indefinite period of time, and I unpacked all of my boxes. But as I look around my apartment, I realize that things are only "put away" in the sense that they are just put somewhere. Things went on shelves and in drawers without any thought or deeper understanding as to why.

I'm playing house in my own house. I'm making the motions of a life by mimicking what I've seen through the windows.

It's fucking depressing.

(no subject)
starting over
jenn
more little pieces i'll never get back. bigger pieces this time, though. gutted.

staring at my phone, staring at my beer, staring at this blinking cursor.

(no subject)
29
jenn
This feels like slow heartbreak with little bits of completely amazing mixed in. Is it enough?

I understand that shying away from things because of the fear of pain, the possibility, is silly and leads to a sterile life, but what about the certainty of it? Weighing the pros and cons has so much more...weight to it. My heart is on both sides of the scale.

(no subject)
tattoo
jenn
I'm definitely not staying, but I like where I am, and I like it for now. I think this is the place I was looking for the past three years.

nothing ever doesn't change but nothing changes much
jenn
"Day after"s like these usually leave me with a head that's cloudy and full of worry and regrets. My stomach will twist itself into a ball of stress and anxiety and everything swirling around in my bruised mind. I will be broken, and I'll scramble for what's familiar and comforting-- but that will only dig me in deeper. It will never fit the same way.

Today? My head is still cloudy, but it's a comfortable fog. The anxiety is bittersweet anticipation. There are still regrets, though. There are always regrets.

I think these strange days will work themselves out. Picking the pieces up; they will never fit back together the same way. I'm going to make something new.

in a crowd
tattoo
jenn
saturday night. this is my birthday party. there are 500 people here, dancing and drinking and having a great time.

i feel completely alone.

over and over and over
restless!
jenn
i am a CRANKY BASTARD lately. i don't want to talk to anyone. i am snippy and short and annoyed at you if you try. actually, that's not entirely true; the only people i want to talk to are jon and ____, and unfortunately i think ____ has fucked off (which is not helping a damned thing, really.) everyone else can go fuck off themselves; i just want to sort things out in my head which is also terrible because it leaves me too much time to think. and so i think and mull and stew and ponder and stress and fester and generally be a mess. and a CRANKY BASTARD. can't forget that. i can't be given time to think.

so i go out and drink and socialize and pass out and wake up and go to work and go back out and drink and i haven't done laundry in over a month and oh shit i need to buy cat food.

blowing things up
jenn
every time i think i'm getting my life together, i start ripping it apart again.

i think this is because the life i'm putting together is never really mine.



somebody asked me why, asked me twice, and i couldn't answer either time. i had to just close my eyes and not voice all the nonsense that's running around my head. i like you; i don't want you to see how crazy i really am.